I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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