I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
