Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
