Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize