I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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