my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize
