How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i will never coherently bang her
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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