All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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