i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
