if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Randomize
