Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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