somebody snuck up and got me drunk
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
She bit a glass in half.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
