I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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