I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
