Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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