Please, let me fuck your mom
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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