I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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