His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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