She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
