I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
