Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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