oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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