He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
