I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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