If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
