In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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