Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize