as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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