i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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