I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
