You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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