i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
