i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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