My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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