I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize