How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
