Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i came on her dog
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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