If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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