the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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