Umm I'm too high to move.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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