I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
