her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
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It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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