found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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