I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
