okay pat passed out under dana's car
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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