A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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