Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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