Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
