I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
