Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
