Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
