It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
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