I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
