so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
