dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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