The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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