Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
