do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
