I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
